I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.
Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
