He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Randomize
