I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
