He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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