the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
