My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?
Stay away from his face.
so i go for his dick?
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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