living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
