I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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