Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Randomize
