Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
The effect you have on my penis from a different state is impressive
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
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