Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize