I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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