well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
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