my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Learned a lot. Like boys with frosted tips still exist. And that they're sensitive to constructive criticism.
I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
