There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
