i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
