remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
