apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Randomize
