Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
