He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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