Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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