Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
