if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
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