Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
