The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
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