But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
