why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
This can only be settled by a dance off.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
