I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Did you clean my apartment?
I thought it was a dream, I'm sorry
Please stay more often
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