At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
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