I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
