You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
I forget how to act sober
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
