My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Randomize