i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Randomize
