dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
He's tweaking out . If he's on fucking bathsalts and eats my face like a chalupa pull the plug. I don't want to live with no fucking face. Pull. The. Plug.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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