when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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