He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
it's too hot outside to masturbate.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
