I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
where are you?
Hypothermia
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
