Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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