Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
i dont even know how to be here
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
