i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
he tried to breastfeed my turtle
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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