I heard we made out
Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize