shes about as inviting as chlamydia
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
