I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize