you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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