we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Randomize
