Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
Randomize
