checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
My boob is missing a layer of skin
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Randomize
