I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I just saw a like a 30 person deep walk of shame... it was like the million man march but with dorm chicks
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
