I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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