Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
