I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
