don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
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