I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I had more orgasms than hours of sleep this weekend. I’m going to keep him around a while
Randomize
