i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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