I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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