I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
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