The maid of honor just puked.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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