So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
It was confusing and full of hummus
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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