I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
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