My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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