Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize