When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
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