Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
